Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Notes on Uncharted

I like to game, so it follows that I'm ridiculously good at it. Playing Uncharted for the first time, when I got my '100 Headshots' trophy I thought, "Great, but what am I going to do for the next 19 chapters?" I will admit it was hard work getting 100 headshots in the first three chapters. I shot heads that weren't even supposed to be in that level. I climbed towers and sprouted the heads of innocent people picnicking on adjourning islands.

If that weren't awesome enough, my headshots have headshots--translation--my bullets, on the way to some dude's head, pull out their own tiny guns and headshot some other dude with even tinier bullets before slamming into the original dude's head that they're aimed at. No shit. Just wait till I train my bullets to launch tiny grenades or better yet, wait for me to perfect the grenade headshot--it's not a myth.

When I beat Uncharted the first time I didn't even have a television. I plugged the audio from the PS3 into my headphones and beat the whole game blind. What's your excuse, Horatio Nelson? Oh, right, you're dead. Didn't stop John Paul Jones, and he was a TERRORIST!!!

I got so good at Uncharted that on my second playing, in the fourth chapter, in Crushing mode mind you, a dialog box popped up and gave me the option of playing the rest of the game with Nathan facing backwards, lining up my shots with a hand-mirror he holds. What do they think I am, a n00b? It'd be nice to have a challenge for once. In the last level, when you're supposed to beat Navarro in hand-to-hand combat, Navarro just laid down on his stomach and put his hands behind his head. I killed him anyway.

To be clear--my Uncharted is so strong it makes Kevin Pereira's ping pong look like Helen Keller's ping pong. Don't even get me started on how I make Helen Keller's Uncharted look. Shitty, that's how.

Just making sure everyone out there knows exactly how good of a gamer I am. Very.


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